Cupid is Calling -- Are You Intimacy-Ready?

This is Part 1 of a series on Winning Strategies to Rekindle Your Love adapted from the bestselling book The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real

 

Valentine’s Day has arrived. This annual holiday dedicated to romantic love has men and women white knuckling it all the way to the bedroom. You might be thinking, “Was it this hard for Guinevere and Lancelot or Romeo and Juliet? Give me a break!”

 

Well, you’re right about that. Like all great lovers, these couples moved on impulse, straight from the heart with all reason swept aside by their passions. But then again, Guinevere and Lancelot were adulterers, and Romeo and Juliet died.

 

Men don’t want to work all that hard at romance, and women still think that an ideal lover “would just know” what she wants. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve heard say over the years, “If I have to tell him, it doesn’t count.” You’ve got to ask yourself, how well is waiting for spontaneity working for you?

 

Of the countless people I’ve listened to in my practice and in workshops, only a tiny percentage proactively shape their relationships. Most people – of either sex – do not do the work of sitting down, clearly identifying their relational wants and needs, figuring out how to best ask for them, going after them, and then – if the first attempt fails – regrouping, rethinking, and trying again.

 

Unfortunately, what both sexes seem to do equally (and remarkably well) is complain.

 

How to Clear the Path to Passion

 

1. Shift from Complaint to Request

 

You might think that after the age of personal empowerment swept aside the traditional notion of acquiescence, people would have learned how to simply identify their desires and assert them. But you’d be wrong.

 

Instead of asserting themselves, both men and women seem to subscribe to the truly nutty idea than an effective strategy for getting more of what you want from your partner is to complain about not getting it after the fact. This is the worst behavior-modification program. It’s like trying to train a dog to do a new trick, but shocking him each time his movements don’t match your requirements instead of showing him how to do it or by rewarding him when he gets it right. The result is a profoundly confused, frustrated, and unmotivated dog. He quickly learns that the best thing for him to do is to lie still and lay low — a strategy adopted by a fair amount of men.

 

Complaining is such an utterly contorted way of trying to get what you want that it is almost perverse. Complaint is double negative thinking. Instead of saying, “I’d be really happy if I could have more of this positive thing,” you try to get it by saying, “I would have been happy if only you hadn’t done that negative thing.”

 

When you use language like that, you box your partner in, leaving them no adequate way to respond. He or she could apologize, but while an apology might be a good first step, you’re still not going to get what you really want because you haven’t asked for it!

 

The bottom line is that complaining masquerades as information, but it’s actually nothing more than unbridled self-expression.  Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself – and it does take discipline --  to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right.

 

2. Get Comfortable with Asking for What You Want

 

Why does it feel so uncomfortable to ask for what you want? The answer to this question is critically important to understand – especially for women. As crazy as it might seem, complaining, arguing and even getting downright nasty actually feel safer to most of us than simply making a direct request. And not without reason! In fact there is not one, but three reasons why you may be squeamish about making requests:

• You must own the right to have wants and needs
• You risk possible disappointment or rejection
• You risk shaking up your relationship

This can be difficult for both women and men who, despite years of growth and enormous changes in our society, still feel the influence their traditional upbringing. Just as the essence of traditional masculinity is invulnerability, the essence of traditional femininity is selfless service to others. In other words, owning the right to have wants and needs is very scary for women, while risking the vulnerability of rejection is frightening to men. And, even though the relationship isn’t perfect, both are terrified of shaking things up – you never know what you’re going to get!

Here’s the paradox. When you complain about not getting what you want, you might look like you’re owning your wants and needs or like you’re being vulnerable, but actually you’re not. Complaining in your relationship is a form of pseudo-pursuit. If you listen to the content of your complaint, it sounds like you’re trying to connect, but in truth solution is rarely what’s on your mind. Instead, what’s really going on is an attempt to be right or to control using unbridled self-expression or even retaliation. That’s what’s really on your mind.

You cannot rekindle intimacy and create an extraordinary relationship unless you are willing to identify what it is that you want and pursue it. Yes, this does take a risk. We are afraid of rocking the boat because experience has shown us that asserting our wants and needs (through complaint) hasn’t worked, and so we “compromise.”

This common outcome woefully sells short both you and your partner. Your lack of previous success does not stem from deeply wired-in limitations in either of you, rather from your lack of skill because, as you’ve painfully learned, it isn’t enough to simply complain. You must assert yourself in a way that will work.

Rule: You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.

NEXT WEEK:  How to ask for what you want. Visit the REAL Advice blog on Tues, 2/17 for Part 2.

Comments

[Finding Dates]

Wonderful post. It's so easy to get into the habit of just "assuming" your partner knows exactly what you want.

[karin]

BTW, anyone in the Portland, OR area you could refer to would be fabulous. None on your map.

[karin]

Terry,
I stumbled across your "I Don't Want to Talk About It" through another book, "Depression Fallout." As the mother of two sons, I am very appreciative of the enlightenment you have provided. I believe I'm *fairly* good at encouraging connectedness and vulnerability with my boys, but I can certainly use improvement, and I suspect their father is covertly depressed (one of the reasons we're no longer married). At any rate, thank you.

My comment about your work is that it seems to be reactive, as most self-help relationship advice is. Having been married once, I'm most concerned about getting the next one "right," if you will. Or at least being on strong footing. There are plenty of us who are involved in relationships that are not yet long term (whatever that magic period of time is) nor contractual (i.e. marriage) who face many of the same issues. So, one falls in love with a person who, from all signs (though I'm not a mental health professional) is covertly depressed. I suspect this because my love has recently experienced some trauma that has resulted in what I think is overt depression. He has confessed that he believes he is depressed, but he has all but excluded me from his life, except via electronic media. I'm deeply in love, but my feeling is that there's no relationship here unless/until he acknowledges his illness and seeks help, which of course he's reluctant to seek. Do I have any leverage here in terms of getting him to seek help? How to encourage it? The threat of leaving is obviously not a threat. And yet, I believe I am special to him. I don't feel I'm deluding myself, that's not my style. I do believe that it's possible his estranged 17-yr old daughter is a result of his covert depression, and part of the trauma resulting in overt depression. Help?

[Black Chat Line]

This blog is so good. Keep it coming. More power!

[S. Walsh]

Fantastic article! I can't wait for Part 2!