Real Advice

CONFESSIONS OF A THERAPIST: Mindfulness as a Relational Life Skill - Part 2

By Dan F. Pollets, Ph.D.

Dr. Pollets describes himself as "an enthusiastic practitioner" of Relational Life Therapy® (RLT). He is a faculty member of the Relational Life Institute, and an ASSECT certified sex therapist.

In this essay, Dr. Dan continues his exploration of how his professional practice of Relational Life Therapy with his clients and the application of those principals in his personal life intersect. Unlike many forms of therapy, RLT practitioners are strongly encouraged to regularly apply relational living to their personal circumstances. This active learning process enables them to more fully engage with and understand their clients' struggles and helps them to more rapidly lead their clients to healing and the benefits of Full Respect Living®.

Successful change in any psychotherapy alters the patient's relationship to his particular form of suffering. In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we ask partners to become conscious of their emotions and behavior towards each other. In fact, according to Terry Real, one of the major concepts that distinguishes RLT from more traditional forms of therapy is that we ask partners to change behavior first understanding that a shift in their feelings and attitudes will then follow.

RLT is therefore very much a behavioral treatment and a psychodynamic one. In fact, a leading principle of RLT is that changing behavior changes character and vice versa, changing character changes behavior. We work from both ends. We ask partners to step back from their knee-jerk reactions and work on themselves and to disengage from destructive behavioral responses. This is done by appealing to or utilizing secondary consciousness and becoming mindful of what is happening in the moment.

Mindfulness is a capacity or skill that allows us to be less reactive emotionally to what is happening in the moment. It is a way of relating to all experience -- positive, negative, neutral -- with a certain centered-ness or equanimity so that our overall suffering is reduced.  Becoming mindful allows our sense of well-being to improve. To be mindful is to recognize what is happening in the present moment. It is the choice to pay attention to intention.

Mindless vs. Mindful: What conscious behavior looks like

Mindlessness or primary conscious behavior, as we talked about last week is that first instinctive reaction, that knee-jerk habit you have of reacting to your partner when you feel triggered by something he or she does. Mindlessness is what happens when:

1. Your core negative image -- or worst impression -- of your partner is triggered and drives your habitual reactions and patterns.
2. You experience an internal boundary failure -- you rage, point blame, tell an adult what to do.
3. You act with contempt for the other person, and trigger his/her passive-aggressive response.
4. In general your reaction causes your partner and your relationship to be weighed down and continue to drown in past traumas, preventing the forward motion of a healthy relationship.
5. Emotions from the mutual hurt skyrocket so quickly that functional adult behavior cannot override the anger response, and your behavior becomes boundary-less.

By contrast, when we mindfully step back, take a breath and choose to suspend our knee jerk judgment to what is in our consciousness, we can let go of the immediate negative thoughts and habitual reactions. We take a brief moment to notice our thoughts or ideas, and just let it flow like water molecule down a river to the sea. The thought doesn't control our actions, it doesn't become the reality, nor do we have to react to it. We can just let it be.

Acceptance, along with non-judgment, is another fundamental aspect of mindfulness.  "Acceptance" adds a measure of kindness. It is a willingness to let things be just as they are in the moment that we become of aware of them -- accepting the painful experiences as they arise. In Relational Life Therapy, this is akin to accepting your partner's subjective perception of reality even when it conflicts with your own.  In mindfulness practice and RLT, the concept that one persons sense of reality versus the others is "the" reality is anathema. No one person's thought is any "more real" than any other's.

Learning how to be mindful

I have found that mindfulness as an attitude about life and relationships can be cultivated through mindful awareness practices such as meditation, yoga, T'ai Chi, etc. What these practices have in common is the repetitive exercise of focusing attention. Through this, they enable the individual to exercise and develop an increased capacity to regulate attention, focus on the present moment, be open an curious to experience, and adopt a perspective that non-judgmental and accepting. Most of these practices use the act of breathing as a focal point for the individual to listen to the mind's activities. In daily meditation, for instance, the one meditating focuses attention on breath, mantra or a visual image, and when he becomes aware that thoughts are intruding, he notes the thoughts, accepts them and then gently refocuses back on the breath, mantra or image.

It is not easy to describe how meditation works. It is better to try it and see for yourself.  As we practice mindful awareness with effort and regularity, we purposely train the mind to act out of secondary consciousness and avoid the mindless knee-jerk reactions.

The bottom line about mindfulness for clients and therapists

My thesis is just that as meditation has helped me to personally shift attention away from negative thoughts and sad feelings about my lost shoulder function, partners who enter Relational Life Therapy can be similarly taught to buttress or strengthen their secondary consciousness to navigate the bumps along the relationship road.

As for my colleagues in the therapist community, I would like to share that an important tenet in RLT is that the work starts with the therapist's own self-care and psychotherapeutic work. Terry Real teaches us to speak from our own experience, not one-up or one-down. Sharing our own path in recovery is encouraged as long as it does not burden the client. In this regard, I would like to suggest that the practice of mindfulness meditation is a way for the therapist to take care of him/herself and to be a model for the client -- "walking the walk" so to speak.

How mindfulness practice and RLT are improving my life

I have noticed subtle yet palpable changes in the months since I began my meditative practice. I am more aware when I am drifting from the moment-to-moment interaction in a client session.  I try not to judge myself for inattention but simply to note it and then focus back on the client and what is happening. I am sustaining more concentrated time in the moment, and I am finding it easier to discover interesting issues to explore as my mind becomes a bit more nimble.

Another interesting benefit that I have noticed is that I seem to accept a couple's negative emotional energy with more equanimity. My internal boundary has become more effective at non-absorption of the intensity of the room. As tensions rise, I breathe more slowly and deeply, and I focus on what needs to be done. My "edge" seems to have softened.  A certain type of grandiose man has always evoked my edge. I have enhanced by becoming mindful of this, and I find it easier to have "loving kindness" for the personal history that has empowered his negative behavior. T am then able to move to meet it with skill and moderation.

Finally, I have become more aware of when I'm on "automatic pilot" and moving three steps ahead of where I am. This "catastrophic living" is not reserved only for my office, but is present in my life in general. I am becoming more mindful when I am not present in my relationship, my work with clients or wherever I am. At these times, I try to gently take a breath, become more aware of what is happening in the moment, and slow down to appreciate it.

My life has become more colorful and joyful.

Mindfulness can help participants in Relational Life Therapy to "get" what Terry Real calls secondary consciousness. By giving partners a metaphor to understand how the mind functions and by teaching meditative exercises, it is possible to expedite the learning curve of the Relational Living skills that are being taught.

Since awareness and present focus is the goal of mindful practice, enhancing this mental capacity could help couples refrain from their typical negative dynamics and rather employ the "new deal."

Meditation helps the user become non-reactive, non-judgmental and to be able to use words to label experience. All of these capacities will leave the RLT participant in good stead for the work ahead.

CONFESSIONS OF A THERAPIST: Mindfulness as a Relational Life Skill - Part 1

By Dan F. Pollets, Ph.D.

Dr. Pollets describes himself as "an enthusiastic practitioner" of Relational Life Therapy® (RLT). He is a faculty member of the Relational Life Institute, and an ASSECT certified sex therapist.

In this essay, Dr. Dan explores the intersection of his professional exploration and practice of Relational Life Therapy with his clients and the application of those principals in his personal life. Unlike many forms of therapy, RLT practitioners are strongly encouraged to regularly apply relational living to their personal circumstances. This active learning process enables them to more fully engage with and understand their clients' struggles and helps them to more rapidly lead their clients to healing and the benefits of Full Respect Living®.

As any competent therapist, throughout my 30 years of clinical practice, I have pursued my own therapeutic or personal growth work, which has enhanced my technique and made me more aware of my "edge." For the last four years or more, I have been a serious student of Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy®. I have discovered a form of therapy that involves an interaction between participants (couples and groups) that is more exciting in the same way that symphonies are far more interesting than solo recitals.

Plunging into Terry's work has been like finding water in the desert, and incorporating and utilizing it has saved me countless headaches and made me a better therapist. Relational Life Therapy (RLT) is like having a GPS for the long relationship road ahead. If you make a wrong turn, there is always a comforting voice telling you how to get back in the right direction.

As I have worked and practiced this model, I have been fascinated with how couples differ in their capacity to adapt, learn, practice and "get" the orienting concepts or philosophies and ultimately learn relational skills. I do not think the differences are a factor of IQ (although perhaps "emotional intelligence may be at play).  We all know those couples who stay rooted in the core negative image or preconceived notions of each other and who resist the therapeutic work to pry them from their negative stance. They become exceedingly activated emotionally. They react and are easily triggered by their partner's stuff. It is difficult to get them to step back from the typical roles they play out with each other in the maladaptive dynamic of their interactions.

These couples require significant therapeutic energy. They use a lot of the oxygen in the room, and are no fun to play with early on in the therapy. They have their "fight," and they're sticking to it!

In terms of RLT language, the primary consciousness from the adapted child has won out over the secondary consciousness  of the functional adult. It is clear that the couples who more quickly and effectively understand, integrate and then learn the skills of RLT are more likely to be adept at what Terry calls secondary consciousness.

Terry defines secondary consciousness as the Voice of Reason, maturity and relational savvy which interrupts your initial (primary consciousness), knee-jerk reaction and offers a more constructive alternative. This is a learned behavior. He continues, "Growing into this functional adult part of the self, arming it with tools, and strengthening its power to override automatic reactions is the essence of relationship practice." (From How Can I Get Through to You, page 78).

I have wondered whether relational life therapy work could be expedited by focusing and elaborating on the concept of secondary consciousness as defined above. In other words, is there a way to teach a "meta-skill," if you will, to help the partners step back in awareness from their over-determined, automatic through and behavioral responses to become aware of what is happening as prelude to disengaging from those patterns. Could there be a psychological equivalent to the calisthenics, stretching or aerobic conditioning for the mind prior to running the race we call Relational Life Therapy so that the participants are primed, open, flexible, adaptable and in shape to engage in the therapy?

It is clear that awareness and attentive focus on what is happening at the moment is crucial in secondary consciousness so that one can step away from automatic responses. It seems logical then that a practice that encourages one to focus on selective attention to the moment and achieve non-judgmental acceptance might generalize to the therapy. These are precisely the capabilities that are woven into and utilized in mindful awareness practice.

My Personal Path to Mindfulness

In the past year as I have been honing my RLT work in supervision with Relational Life Institute faculty member Jan Bergstrom, I have had to cope with a personal medical crisis that threatened my equanimity. Due to overuse of my left shoulder joint and an inflammatory response to a drug injection, I lost the use of my shoulder function and needed a total shoulder replacement. This threatened my lifelong identity as an athlete and tennis player as well as the relationships that orbited the game. I fell into a deep anxiety over future functioning, pain and the ordeal of recovery.

As my wonderful wife Felice would say, I had become a kvetch. Never one to shy away from sharing my feelings, I would overwhelm her loving patience with an endless stream of worry and complaints. Finally, in an act of self-preservation, she limited me to five minutes of complaining, two times per day. Needless to say, my feeling of being victimized by the medical establishment fed this self-preoccupation and dwelling on loss, deprivation, sadness, and of course pain.

Around this time, I attended the Psychotherapy Networker Conference in San Francisco where I heard a keynote address on Mindfulness and the Brain given by the brilliant and relationally-oriented neuro-psychiatrist Dan Siegel. I was inspired to begin my own meditation practice again. I also began to practice Yoga with my wife, who is a lifelong practitioner.

As a result, while my shoulder is slowly rehabilitating, I have been successful at changing the focus of my attention from loss to the present moment and to the aspects of my life that, as Terry would say, are "rich in abundance." 

Meditative and Yoga practice are helping me alter my consciousness around the thoughts of my shoulder and life. I am not so wedded to a specific outcome, measure by shoulder function, to guarantee life satisfaction. I have become better at shifting from "kvetch" consciousness to non-judgmental acceptance of the way things are now.

It is important to underscore that this is a practice of becoming mindfully aware, and as my imperfect mind drifts to negative thoughts, I take note of them in a non-judgmental manner. I take a deep breath, and I come back into the moment. This is the cultivation of secondary consciousness or mindfulness. It is becoming conscious of your thoughts and emotions and holding them in non-judgment in order to allow other "realities" to become known. I can become aware that one isolated thought may not be the way the situation really is.

In the next issue of the Real Advice Blog on Tuesday, April 29, Dr. Dan explores Mindfulness and Secondary Consciousness as a Concept and as a Practice.

THE NEW RULES OF PARENTING: How to tell your kids to "Just Say No" when you said "yes"

By Terry Real

Remember when having “the talk” was about the birds and the bees? Oh if it were just that easy these days.  Educating our kids about sex is nothing. It’s talking to them about alcohol and drugs that makes us weak in the knees.

So how do parents of the drug-soaked 60s, 70s and 80s tell their kids to “Just Say No” when they said yes, especially when the kids look back and ask, “Did you?”

The bottom line is that most parents feel like hypocrites on this subject, and it paralyzes them. For many, tossing back a six pack with their buddies, sneaking a cigarette behind the school or smoking pot was part of their identity as rebel youths. Sure, they may be straight-laced, gated community-dwellers now, but there’s still some rebellious pride in being able to score a joint and sneak out on the porch when the kids are at a sleepover.

One of my favorite stories is about some clients who were a couple of old Baby Boomers. They had a very old bag of pot left over. It was part of their identity as ex-hippies, and they didn’t want to get rid of it, but their kids were getting older, and they didn’t want it found either. What did they do? They wrapped it in freezer paper, marked it “liver”, and stuck it in the fridge.

The New Reality

There are several major concerns about keeping kids away from drugs. One of the most depressing new realities is that the peer pressure to imbibe now begins in middle-school. According to the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, kids as young as the 4^th grade (ages 9 and 10) are being approached to try pot. And this early exposure is not limited to the inner cities; it is rampant in the suburbs.

Cigarettes and marijuana are the ports of entry to alcohol and other drug use as well as early sexual behavior. The longer kids wait to enter into these behaviors, the fewer problems they will have with these issues. Therefore, “the talk” as soon as possible is very important.

Just because pot was a relatively benign drug back in our day doesn’t mean it’s benign anymore. The marijuana kids are being offered today is substantially stronger than it was back then. In fact, pot is the number one reason for drug addiction in America.

Marijuana addiction is misunderstood. We think of addiction as a drug that causes physiological withdrawal, but that’s not the way professionals define addiction anymore. Addiction is now defined as the persistence of harmful behavior in the face of known consequences.

In addition to the illegality of the matter, it is particularly problematic for underage kids to experiment with cigarettes, alcohol and drugs because their central nervous systems are still developing well into their teen years.

The Act vs. The Behavior

This is where the real parenting on the matter begins: Looking at the behavior versus the act itself. The important thing is to not let your own history disempower you from setting clear boundaries with your kids. The real question is do you feel like a hypocrite, and how do you take your own youthful indiscretions out of the equation?

Your official position should be that you do not condone underage smoking, drinking and drug use. On the other hand, as kids enter their teen years, smoking pot is rampant, especially among highschoolers. So, if you catch your kid in the act or if you find evidence of it, don’t get too hung up on the act itself. Of course you have to admonish him for doing it, but focus on the behavior and the real consequences if you want to make an impact. It has less to do with the pot or the beer per se than your kid’s relationship to it.

Again, your official position should be that you want them to wait until they’re at college or off on their own, but the fact is that the world is not coming to an end if they are just experimenting once or twice. It didn’t for you, did it?

The real issue for you as a parent is how much is this behavior causing trouble with your child’s growth and development, school performance and friendships? Simply put, if it’s getting in the way, it’s getting in the way.

You know it has become a problem if you notice his grades are dropping, if he becomes less attentive or less active with his extracurriculars, or if there is a radical shift in his social groups. That’s when you sit the child down and say, “Look, this is a bad thing for you, and here’s why…” Don’t focus on the pot or booze as much as you focus on the problem, “Your grades are dropping, and I don’t like the kids you’re hanging with.”

Once you’ve had the chat, you monitor the situation. If he does have a problem then you take him to a professional and have him evaluated, and if he’s stoned all the time then you need to think about rehab.

So, don’t be afraid to be a hypocrite – stand up and express your concerns. Have frank conversations and most of all keep your eyes on things.

Parenting and the Belligerent Child

By Terry Real

The parent-child is a sober example of what it means to be “relational” in a relationship.

The normal skills that we think of as expert such as a doctor working on a body or a mechanic working on a car do not apply. In those situations, the professional diagnose what’s wrong and fixes it.

In personal relationships, your are reacting to the car, and the car is reacting to you. You have to be very smart in your diagnosis and efficient in the way your fix it. There are no rules, because it is not static, it’s a relationship. You take a position, and see if it works.  If it isn’t working, try intensifying your position a few more times. If it isn’t doing anything or making things work, then you shift to a radically different position.

In relationships you have to be smart, but you also have to be humble. When you try something to affect or adjust the behavior of a child, you have to be connected and sensitive to the response and then be flexible in movement to the response – it’s a dance.

The reason I start out by saying this is because being a good parent is dancing well.

When dealing with a belligerent child, you learn very quickly that what works one time could be a disaster the next.  You can take the Gameboy away and get the kid to straighten up, but the next time you try that it has no effect.

All relationships are like a dance, but the one with a difficult child is even more intense. It’s like a Tango -- you make a move, see how it works, and intensify it.

What do I mean by “intensify”, you ask?

Good question! How much is it going to be about setting limits and standing up to bad behavior and how much is it going to be about compassion.

I have two sons. A disciplinary tactic with one might get me a scowl and a pout while the same tactic with his brother would produce world war three.

Remember, to get what you want – good behavior – you have to pay attention to what will give you leverage with the kid. There are small moments and responses in that child that you have to pay attention to.

Having said that however, there are some general principles.

If you have a child that is being chronically difficult, I want you to be sure that you feel like you understand what’s really going on the kid.

• Is he or she acting differently at school? I the child not behaving normally with friends at school at home?
• Ask the teacher. Raise the possibility of an evaluation. Identify if there is learning issue that is causing your child stress.
• Rule out depression because a lot of kids who chronically act out or who exhibit difficult behaviors are masking developmental difficulties or in some cases biological psychiatric conditions.
• You have to be clear about the fact that it is behavioral vs something deeper.

Get feedback from teachers, coaches, guidance counselors, camp counselors, anyone who can talk to you about your child’s environment beyond what you see and experience yourself is enormously helpful. If you start getting reports that the same difficult behavior that you’re seeing is happening across the board, then you have a more difficult problem.

However, if your kids is better behaved at school and other people’s houses then it’s a tip off that you may need to look at your own parenting skills, but be sure to pause and see if you can get a sense of the big picture and that there are no systemic disorders.

There is no systemic problem – my kid is just a brat!

And, sometimes a brat is just a brat. If I’m dealing with a kid that is chronically difficult in a family then I’m dealing with a kid with too much power. The answer is to take this kid’s inordinate power away.

I’m a strong believer in healthy parental authority (or parental hierarchy). What really distinguishes Relational Life Therapy from other forms is that we don’t just focus on helping people come up from shame, rather we also help people come down from grandiosity. The young brat is all about grandiosity and being contemptuous to authority.

What we mean by “grandiosity” is, looking down your nose, contempt, feeling “better than”, etc. Pia Melody, my mentor and colleague, offers great insight that has made a tremendous contribution to my thinking. She says there are two forms of child abuse. We naturally think of disempowering abuse – making a child feel impotent, small ,worthless, defective, unlovable, etc. Yet, she says that there is also the abuse of false empowerment -- pumping up a child’s natural grandiosity or not doing the work of putting a child in his place.

All children are natural animals and when we go against shame and go against grandiosity we are civilizing our own natural animal behaviors.

Many times I’ve spoken about my own childhood. One time I came home with a terrible report card, and I expected him to fly into a violent rage. Instead he threw it down and said, “It’s because you’re too bright and those [bloody] teachers don’t know what to do with you because you’re too bright,” and he walked out. He did me no favor by saying that because I got C’s and D’s thru high school.

As the father of two boys there were times when they were growing up there was about 60-70% it was about setting limits and understanding about being sensitive to others around them.

The other day I was shopping, and there was a child running amok always on the verge of destroying something. He was keeping all of us distracted, and he almost broke six things in a row; his parent completely ignoring this all the while. At one point he touched something that I had put aside to purchase, and I said to him very sternly, “Don’t touch that.” That snapped his parent to attention, and the kid was finally wrangled. Another parent might have even challenged me, a stranger, for disciplining the child, to which I would have responded, “What makes you think you have the right to let this little kid run around and trash this store?”

So what is the cultural imperative here?

I think a lot of parents are afraid of being disliked by their children. When you set a limit you have to allow yourself to be disliked, and they’re uncomfortable with their children disliking them at all. In the northeast, we euphemistically call this, “The Cambridge Syndrome.” That’s when you treat little Johnny like he has a Ph.D. “I’m putting you to sleep at 7:00 instead of 9:00 because you need more sleep, because, because, because….”

Over explaining why you are setting the limit treats the kid like he’s an adult. He can’t process all of that information, and frankly you shouldn’t apologize for putting him to be early because he needs it, period.

So what makes a brat?

False empowerment, pure and simple. An absence of guidance and limits and negative consequences for bad behaviors. Failing to tame bad behavior through sensitive but strong and appropriate parental hierarchy is actually causing harm to your child and his ability to relate in the world.

You can (and should) appreciate your three year old’s dabble in the arts, but come on, every finger painting is not a Picasso. No child has the right to have more power in the group than you – the adult/parent should have. Unless you have offered the child the choice in what movie the family is seeing, he does not have the right to say I don’t like it and cause the whole plan for the outing to change. A child does not have the right to interrupt the adults and just keep talking.