Real Advice

THE BIG DEAL FOR ME: How Relational Empowerment Therapy (tm) Works for Me and My Clients

By Jeffrey Title, Ed.D -- Special Guest Blogger

Dr. Jeffrey Title has been a licensed, practicing therapist since 1973. He is also the author of LOVING SMART: Putting Your Cards on the Table, (Warner Books). He has been married for 43 years to novelist Elise Title with whom he has two grown children.

These are my thoughts on why, as a very experienced couples therapist, I have loved learning and using Terry Real's Relational Empowerment Therapy(tm) approach with all my intensive treatment couples.

In Fall, 2006, when I attended a day-long continuing education workshop presented by Terry Real at the University of Connecticut, I discovered great simpatico with my ideas about the nature of intimacy and couples therapy and was tremendously excited by Terry’s approach to treatment which appeared to solve many technical problems for me. Often, working with very challenged couples has been an altogether painful, though a very important and meaningful experience.

This is what the big deal is for me: Following along with the Relational method I now remain grounded at all times in my therapist spot. In the early stages of meeting with a couple I can let go of my desperation to find some way to fix them and turn my attention to a logical process of data gathering with the goal of finding out very specific information to answer very specific questions. When I am not sure about the quality or clarity of the data I am eliciting I can breathe, relax, focus my attention back to my goal at that part of the interview, and go back to my task. I am no longer tempted to jump in too soon with half-formed therapy strategies (with the thought that the couple is in so much pain that I have to do something for them right away).

My counseling couples have loved this approach. I am demonstrating to them one of the basic notions of Relational Couples work—replacing contention with curiosity. As I satisfy my curiosity for true understanding of their problem, they are experiencing how exhilarating that process is. Also, as Terry’s method involves serial individual dialogs the problem of couples breaking out into unbridled fights has been greatly minimized. I spend my counseling time managing my interaction with the members of the couple,  not struggling to manage their out of control interaction with each other. When I am ready, the process moves to a very specific method of motivating the members of the couple for change, pointing out what change is needed, and providing rationale and methods for making the change happen.

Terrance Real’s Relational Empowerment Therapy method is all about how to create humane, thoughtful, relationally effective change in the present through motivation, learning new ideas and applying new skills. History is important to grease the gears for current change, but not as a preoccupation in itself.

Best of all is the philosophic/spiritual advantage I have gained in my Relational Therapy role with couples: At the core I am teaching, and demonstrating by example, what Terry calls “full respect living.” The members of the couple and the therapist must maintain at their hearts a deeply respectful demeanor, learning how maintain a level playing field, moving down from grandiosity and/or up from self-destructive shame, accepting responsibility for maintaining healthy boundaries, as well as the responsibility and skill to bolster one's own self-esteem, learning how to ask for what they want without recourse to any kinds of control tactics.

Relational Couples Therapy is based on a deeply held and taught humane value system which above all the other positive factors in the method, I take the greatest pride in representing and teaching.

How Is Fear Impacting Your Relationship?

By Lisa Merlo-Booth

Lisa Merlo-Booth is the Director of Faculty at the Relational Life Institute who is also a practicing therapist and life and relationship coach. Ms. Merlo-Booth earned her Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from Pepperdine University in 1991 and has received her coaching training from Coach University. Ms. Merlo-Booth has over 15 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching and has worked with individuals, families and couples on a variety of life issues. During that time she has developed noted expertise in the area of relationships. Ms. Merlo-Booth has studied and worked with Terry Real for 9 years.

Common Fear Factors

I work with couples and individuals everyday and have found that one of the most common blocks to change is fear. I would venture to say this is probably true regarding change in general, however with relationships it can be downright paralyzing.

A common cause for fear in many relationships is rage, intensity, or volatility.  I watch men and women with very volatile wives and husbands walk on egg shells to avoid a possible outburst.  I hear about -- and watch in my office -- people shut down in response to their partner's intensity.  If they have been brave enough to discuss the rage or volatility, they soon weaken their statement or withdraw it all together, not because they got it wrong, but because they are too scared to speak it.

They know that speaking it and backing down teaches their partner that bullying works, however they are simply too scared to directly take them on. Taking them on would mean standing up for themselves, setting limits, and following through with consequences like calling the police, refusing to go someplace with their partner when he or she is being hurtful or intense, and so on.

When anger, intensity or rage isn't the culprit, it's often the threat of losing a partner that causes fear.  Affairs, for example, are a great fear inducer. Even though the person who had the affair should be the one on the hot seat, so to speak, I often find that the person jumping through all the hoops is the one who was cheated on. Why?... Because of fear. They are worried that if they don't jump through hoops, their partner will have another affair, return to the affair they already had, or will just plain leave them.

In addition to affairs, an unresponsive, stubborn, or emotionally distant partner can also induce the fear of losing a partner. Many people complain about how emotionally unavailable, irresponsible, and/or selfish their partner is, and they claim that they don't know what to do. When I tell them they have to learn to set limits and take responsibility for creating a respectful, fulfilling relationship, they complain that their partner would leave if they did that.

My response is: "If that's true, then it's the best thing for you."

The fear that their partner will leave them quickly turns into the fear of being alone, not finding someone else, finding someone else who's the same or worse than who they have now, and on and on. All of these fears paralyze the person and keeps him/her stuck.

Compromises vs. Choices

Rather than facing these fears and doing it anyway, the person often sacrifices their own well-being and right to a healthy, fulfilling relationship for the chance to have a body next to them -- no bells, no whistles -- just a body.

Have you ever wondered what you would do if you weren't worried that your partner was going to leave you, have an affair, or create an even bigger scene if you stood up to him or her? How would you act differently? What if for one day, one week or one month, you just tried it?  What if you took a chance and set a limit when necessary, made a request when you wanted something to change, and started acting like you deserve to be treated well and to be in a cherishing, enriching relationship? What would that entail?

I understand the power of fear. Books have been written about it. I've lived it. I watch it at work everyday, and I know that if we allow it, fear will run our lives.

My question to you:  Is fear running yours?

The Challenge

If fear has been a factor in your relationship, take a closer look at it. If you've allowed your fear to keep you stuck, what has the cost of this decision been to you, your partner, and your children? What move have you been putting off due to fear?

Contract with yourself to make this move. If you have to do it in baby-steps, that's fine -- as long as you take some steps.