By Lisa Merlo-Booth
Lisa Merlo-Booth is the Director of Faculty at the Relational Life Institute who is also a practicing therapist and life and relationship coach. Ms. Merlo-Booth earned her Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from Pepperdine University in 1991 and has received her coaching training from Coach University. Ms. Merlo-Booth has over 15 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching and has worked with individuals, families and couples on a variety of life issues. During that time she has developed noted expertise in the area of relationships. Ms. Merlo-Booth has studied and worked with Terry Real for 9 years.
Common Fear Factors
I work with couples and individuals everyday and have found that one of the most common blocks to change is fear. I would venture to say this is probably true regarding change in general, however with relationships it can be downright paralyzing.
A common cause for fear in many relationships is rage, intensity, or volatility. I watch men and women with very volatile wives and husbands walk on egg shells to avoid a possible outburst. I hear about -- and watch in my office -- people shut down in response to their partner's intensity. If they have been brave enough to discuss the rage or volatility, they soon weaken their statement or withdraw it all together, not because they got it wrong, but because they are too scared to speak it.
They know that speaking it and backing down teaches their partner that bullying works, however they are simply too scared to directly take them on. Taking them on would mean standing up for themselves, setting limits, and following through with consequences like calling the police, refusing to go someplace with their partner when he or she is being hurtful or intense, and so on.
When anger, intensity or rage isn't the culprit, it's often the threat of losing a partner that causes fear. Affairs, for example, are a great fear inducer. Even though the person who had the affair should be the one on the hot seat, so to speak, I often find that the person jumping through all the hoops is the one who was cheated on. Why?... Because of fear. They are worried that if they don't jump through hoops, their partner will have another affair, return to the affair they already had, or will just plain leave them.
In addition to affairs, an unresponsive, stubborn, or emotionally distant partner can also induce the fear of losing a partner. Many people complain about how emotionally unavailable, irresponsible, and/or selfish their partner is, and they claim that they don't know what to do. When I tell them they have to learn to set limits and take responsibility for creating a respectful, fulfilling relationship, they complain that their partner would leave if they did that.
My response is: "If that's true, then it's the best thing for you."
The fear that their partner will leave them quickly turns into the fear of being alone, not finding someone else, finding someone else who's the same or worse than who they have now, and on and on. All of these fears paralyze the person and keeps him/her stuck.
Compromises vs. Choices
Rather than facing these fears and doing it anyway, the person often sacrifices their own well-being and right to a healthy, fulfilling relationship for the chance to have a body next to them -- no bells, no whistles -- just a body.
Have you ever wondered what you would do if you weren't worried that your partner was going to leave you, have an affair, or create an even bigger scene if you stood up to him or her? How would you act differently? What if for one day, one week or one month, you just tried it? What if you took a chance and set a limit when necessary, made a request when you wanted something to change, and started acting like you deserve to be treated well and to be in a cherishing, enriching relationship? What would that entail?
I understand the power of fear. Books have been written about it. I've lived it. I watch it at work everyday, and I know that if we allow it, fear will run our lives.
My question to you: Is fear running yours?
The Challenge
If fear has been a factor in your relationship, take a closer look at it. If you've allowed your fear to keep you stuck, what has the cost of this decision been to you, your partner, and your children? What move have you been putting off due to fear?
Contract with yourself to make this move. If you have to do it in baby-steps, that's fine -- as long as you take some steps.
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