Real Advice

CYBER-PORN ADDICTION: When healthy fantasy becomes a secretive compulsion

By Dan F. Pollets, Ph.D.

Dr. Pollets describes himself as "an enthusiastic practitioner" of Relational Life Therapy (RLT). He is a faculty member of the Relational Life Institute, and an ASSECT certified sex therapist.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The names of all clients as well as any other identifying information in the REAL Advice blog are changed to protect their confidentiality and privacy. Also this post discusses the topic of sexual intimacy in a frank manner.

As a sex and couples therapist, I have been impressed with how often issues around cyber-porn find their way to my office. The common link in these cases is that the client (or spouse) is spending time chasing sexual images on the easily available and often free porn sites on the Internet.  What eventually motivates the person to seek treatment is that this behavior begins to significantly effect his mood, functioning or and/or relationship.

Mental anguish, profound worry and dismay, shame, anxiety and depression accompany this addiction as well as feelings of being out of control.  There are powerful feelings of shock, fear, loss, and worry on the part of the spouse who discovers her partner’s predilection.  As such, it poses a significant threat to the relationship.

MIKE, GEORGE and BETH: Three patients in search of a cure

MIKE: A 24 year old single man living with his girl friend (Dora) of four years reveals that he has an “unhealthy” sexual desire for teen age girls.  He requests treatment to help “cure” him of this sexual interest.  While not acting out his sexual desire, he has been secretly spending 3-8 hours per week hunting images of young girls on the Internet.  He acknowledges that his compulsion has hurt his relationship and his sex life.  He is extremely ambivalent about his relationship but has not talked about his feelings openly with Dora.  He has been avoiding sexual contact with Dora as well as having difficulty getting himself to the gym and other outside interests and activities.  He states that his mood has been more depressed and he is anxious about his compulsion being revealed.  He feels guilty, ashamed, and preoccupied.

GEORGE: A 49 year old married man with a two year old boy.  He has a history of alcohol addiction and cyber-porn addiction.  Four years ago he was successfully treated for these addictions with a combination of in-patient, outpatient, and group psychotherapy.  He is a writer and has taught English at a variety of local colleges.  After three years of recovery from alcohol and cyber-porn addiction, he relapsed following his being laid off from his teaching position in an administration change.  He has not begun drinking but is again “medicating” his anxiety by spending large chunks of time watching cyber-porn.   He presented to treatment after becoming increasingly more agitated, depressed, ashamed and “fed-up” with himself.

BETH: A 42 year old married woman with two children requesting a consultation regarding her husband Frank’s behavior and her marital situation.  She had discovered Frank had been visiting porn sites on his computer.  She confronted him and he became outraged, defensive and accused her of violating his privacy.  He refused to join her in seeking treatment. She did not know how much time he spends visiting porn sites but had a list of the particular sites he visits.  When she looked at the sites, she was shocked and disgusted at the graphic images, some of which involved gay sex.  She said that she has been concerned for a long time about their diminishing sex life and the emotional disconnection she feels.  She is confused and scared about what this porn viewing suggests about Frank’s sexuality and about the future of her relationship.  She would like help sorting her feelings out and developing a plan about dealing with this with Frank.

SEEDS OF ADDICTION

In my experience there are deeper causative factors which form the fertile soil of this addiction.  Sometimes it is a history of sexual abuse or pre-mature entry into sexuality (prior to mid-adolescence).  The person becomes fixated at the age to which they were “initiated” into sex.  As a result, they are attracted to girls the same age as they were when the abuse occurred. I have also seen a greater than expected frequency of mood disorder (depression, bi-polar disorder) in these clients.

It is also my experience that once the cyber-porn addiction is discovered it leads to an issue in the relationship. Typically, there is an emotional disconnection between partners, a “walling-off” in the relationship leading to a reduction in sexual contact and intimacy.  Instead of directly and honestly attending to the breach, there is escape into the easily available and non-demanding world of cyber-sex and self-stimulation.  The viewing becomes compulsive, immediately gratifying and soothing of anxiety states.  This behavior is highly reinforced and therefore tends to progress or increase in frequency.

FANTASY VS. ADDICTION

Compulsive viewing of cyber-pornography, a sub-group of sexual addiction, appears to have a recognizable behavior pattern similar to other addictions (Carnes, 1999).  This involves acting out a pattern of out-of-control sexual behavior (e.g. compulsive masturbation, persistent viewing of pornography, having consistent affairs, etc.)  in which severe mood change relates to sexual activity.

The sex addict experiences severe consequences due to sexual behaviors and an inability to stop despite these consequences.  These consequences can include loss of a partner, severe marital or relationship problems, loss of career opportunities, suicidal obsessions, and exposure to STDs.  Sex addicts gradually increase the amount of sexual activity because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying.  As tolerance or numbness develops around their viewing, individuals may find themselves seeking out more unusual sexual experiences and more graphic pornography.

The explosion of the Internet into our day-to-day lives, the Average Joe has transformed the use and popularity of pornography and has ratcheted up the rates of cyber-porn addiction.  Explicit X-rated porn catering to all possible tastes and predilections are now merely a click away from any room in your house. Those vulnerable to this form of addiction no longer have to leave the safety and anonymity of their own homes and confront embarrassment and shame about buying porn; they simply surf from their home computer of hand-held device.

Besides the pornographic images available to the viewer, the Internet makes other forms of cyber-sex experiences easily available.  They include interactive experiences and a smorgasbord of virtual intimacy for users.  On-line videos, chat rooms, games, photo-galleries, web-cams, meet-n-greet sites provide users with several different mediums through which they can obtain and experience porn or hook up virtually or in real life.

What is so attractive, compelling, and reinforcing is that this alternative universe of sexuality can be accessed from any computer where users can safely and anonymously fantasize, flirt, and get intimate.

HOW TO SPOT THE ADDICT

Currently, a cyber-sex addict classified as one who uses the Internet for sexual purposes for 11 or more hours per week.  I think this underestimates the frequency of the problem.  It might not be the hours spent per se that defines the addiction but how it is affecting the person’s functioning and relationships.

WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

Unlike most women, men will typically view pornography as innocent and will believe that its viewing has little negative effect on the relationship.  Often these men rationalize their pornography interest as a solution for loneliness and not having a partner.

In the context of a functional relationship, the viewing of erotic images can be used to enhance the sexual relationship.  For many couples, sharing fantasies and communicating about them can be a positive and healthy aspect of the relationship.  It can intensify a couples’ sexual relationship and introduce novelty, inspire experimentation and generally add some spice to lovemaking.

This being said, there is a discernible boundary between healthy viewing of erotica and secretive and compulsive use as there is a difference between moderate or recreational drinking and excessive use of alcohol.  It is also a different story when both partners are in agreement to view pornographic images (“informed consent”), as opposed to secretive use and if the use serves a self-medication function.

As in most cases where there is a secret in the marriage, when discovered the partner can feel deceived and betrayed, and this is obviously corrosive to the marriage.

If a man’s use of pornography is discovered and his partner has strong feelings about the issue, this is by definition a conflict in the relationship and needs to be dealt with.  It is in the process of managing the conflict that will determine the degree of relationship dysfunction.  It seems pointless to argue over whose right or wrong.  There are very strong feelings at work and this need to be validated by each partner if disconnection and disruption is to be avoided.

If the issue cannot be discussed in a calm and respectful manner, professional help may be needed.  Clearly, reliance on pornography at the expense or avoidance of the emotional and/or physical relationship suggests a deeper problem.  It may be not be so helpful to get into a debate over the moral issues around the viewing or pornography (how women are depicted, degraded and so on) as to focus on how the use is impacting on the user’s presence and functioning in the relationship and how his partner feels about it.

In other words, the better strategy in the onset of the discussion about the issue to emphasize the emotional and relational costs and consequences of the viewing.  Again, while the man might see his use of pornography as totally innocent, the fact that his partner has such strong feelings and it is effecting the relationship makes it no so innocent.

As in many of the issues that divide couples, the capacity to speak the truth about the issue and be validated by his/her partner and then compromise separates a functional relationship from one that might need help.

PARENTING: Who's Afraid of the "Meanest Mom"?

By Terry Real

This article first appeared on the HUFFINGTON POST. Become a Terry Real fan on Huffington Post to get email alerts to read his next post.

A recent article run caught my eye:  "Meanest Mom Sells Son's Car". Basically, a mom in Iowa gave her son a car with only two strings attached: 1) No Alcohol, and 2) Always Keep It Locked. Two weeks into the kid’s free ride, she checked out the car and found an empty liquor bottle under the seat. He said, “It wasn’t mine!” She said, “Too bad,” and sold the car.

The ad she posted to sell the car was titled “Meanest Mom on the Planet Selling Son’s Car”. To her surprise, she received more attention from parents and other adults than prospective buyers. Emergency room nurses, paramedics, police officers and parents called her just to say, "Way to go!" and congratulate her on being such a responsible parent.

When I read this story it reminded me of what my wife, the esteemed family therapist Belinda Berman, always says: “The job of a parent with teenage kids between the ages of 16 and 25 is simply to keep them alive. Everything after that is gravy.”

When it comes to parenting, there are a lot of issues for which there’s room for opinion, but there is no room whatsoever on the issue of drinking and driving. An impaired young driver is a lethal weapon. Kids, like the one in Iowa will protest. He said the bottle wasn’t his, and even if he was stone cold sober as the driver, the mom was absolutely right to have zero tolerance for her rule being broken. The fact is that it is illegal to drive a car with an open bottle of alcohol on the premises.

Stand up and give the Meanest Mom a cheer!

Too many parents faced with this situation would become mushy and capitulate. These are the same parents that say, “You’re grounded for two weeks” and then step on the slippery slope wherein day by day the kid gets a few privileges back – a phone call here becomes, video game time there — a week in to the punishment, he’s enjoying most of his amenities and scoring allowance.

For today’s exhausted parents, holding firm to discipline feels like more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, it has been socially taboo among the Baby Boomer set to make your kids feel uncomfortable.

Before I move on to the main topic at hand — parental leverage and appropriate parental hierarchy — let me just say that on the topic of underage drinking, especially drinking and driving: If you are uneasy about making your kid feel uncomfortable, then you should just go ahead and pick out their funeral clothes.

Getting off that soap box, what the “Meanest Mom” story illustrates is the principal of giving your kid only as much freedom as she/he can handle. Dole out freedoms — especially those that come with great responsibility like driving —in small bits and see how they do with it. If they do great, obey the rules, then dole out the next bit. If they blow it – like the kid in Iowa -- then take the privilege away for a period of time and wait for them to prove they can handle it.

One of the guiding principles we teach in our new Legacy Workshop is: You cannot control your kid, but you can control his environment.

I don’t think Meanest Mom’s kid was morally wrong. He was just too immature to handle a car. To take a similar measure with your kid – especially when the stakes are so high -- is not acting punitively, rather it’s indicating to your child that if he can’t handle the responsibility that comes with the privilege, you will take it away for now and give him a shot at it later.

That’s the spirit of it. Use your leverage, don’t be afraid to make the kid uncomfortable, but act from a place of humility and respect.

The beauty of the Meanest Mom example is that it is black and white. So few things with kids are that clear. When it comes to other issues, you have to use your best judgment about what is in the kid’s best interest.

Let’s take an example from a woman who wrote to our blog asking about her adult daughter who wanted to invite her boyfriend to the family home and sleep with him in the same room. The mom didn’t feel it was appropriate on principal. She also felt it would set a bad example for the younger siblings living at home.

My advice with situations like these is to speak from the “I” position. Avoid getting into issues of fact or interpretation, all of which can be debated. It’s not a matter of debate. It’s your home, your values, and your rules. That said, it’s natural for adult children to want to incorporate their adult lives into their family home lives. A good approach will sound something like this:

“Look, I’m not arguing with you or speaking objectively about whether you should be having sex at this age, but I am telling you as your parent that I don’t feel comfortable with you two sleeping in the same room in my house, plus it’s my responsibility to do what is best for your younger siblings, and I feel that’s just not appropriate for them.”

Even when you set firm limits, don’t do it from an authority position. Remember, you’re not Charlton Heston delivering the rules on a tablet. You can still set limits and do it from a point of respect. By saying, “I don’t know if this is best or not, but I’m your dad, and this is my best shot at doing what’s best for you…” you are giving the adult child the respect she deserves and opening her up to respecting your position in return.

That’s the humble part, but the firm part is saying, “Hey, you can disobey the rules if you choose to, but these are the consequences.” That’s when you use your leverage: either taking away something your child values and desires (e.g. no access to the car, no access to pocket money) or by having him do something for disrespecting your rules (e.g: cleaning out the garage, etc.).

A lot of parents get hung up with trying to argue with the kids about whether the rules and regulations are justifiable. The value of talking from the “I” position is that no one can argue with you.

Leverage means discomfort. Discomfort means that something is going to go on in the kid’s life that is going to make him unhappy or uncomfortable. He’s going to have to do something he doesn’t want to do or lose something he wants.

Too many parents don’t want their kids to be mad at them, and they get squishy on discipline. When you allow yourself to be intimidated like that you’re no longer being a parent, you’re being a peer, and you’ve fallen down on the job.

Stand up for your values, but do so with humility, respect, love and use your leverage. Believe it or not, your kids will thank you. It just might take a while.