The Rudeness of Spouses, Part 3

By Terry Real

This is the 3rd part and conclusion of this article.

TED and ANNE GET RELATIONAL

Guys are enormously skilled at dealing with a woman in a fit. They duck under the wave, let the storm pass, and then go on doing whatever they want. What guys are not used to is moderate firmness that doesn't back off.

I asked Anne to practice speaking to Ted in a way that conveys she genuinely wants a partner (rather than simply venting).

"Ted, I feel lonely and overwhelmed. When I say I need you to take the kids, you don't have to make a big fuss about it, okay?"

With encouragement, she listed four specific changes she wanted Ted to make: Take over the burden of checking in with the kids' teachers; call his mother every week rather than relying on her to do it; plan a family outing once or twice a month; treat her now and then to a night out or flowers.

To her surprise, Ted agreed to all four. Then Anne ask the million dollar question, "What can I do to help you deliver?"

Ted took and aggrieved tone. "You can tell me what I'm doing right," he said peevishly. "Don't just scold me."

Anne, provoked, began to wind up, but a look from me stopped her. She took a deep breath, let go of her first consciousness, and ... smiled. "Deal," she said holding out her hand.

"Go on," I told Ted. "Shake on it, partner."

TWO MONTHS LATER...

In a follow-up letter about two months later, Anne wrote: "I'll come home and see Ted sacked out on the couch and become enraged. Every particle of me wants to rip into him, but a voice in my head says, 'Stop!' I breathe and make myself settle down. Then I wake up the lazy bum and tell him -- respectfully -- that his participation in our family is not discretionary. Now instead of the issue turning back to 'How Anne spoke to poor Ted,' my husband actually pitches in. And on those few occasions when he tries to pull that victim stuff -- 'Anne, you're so hard on me...blah, blah,' I don't buy into it anymore. I'm not being hard, and I know it."

REAL ADVICE

Anne got into the habit that I encourage my clients to develop. Before opening your mouth, ask yourself two questions:

1) What do I really want?  It may seem appealing to prove him wrong, pay him back, leave in a huff, or cave in to keep the peace, but what you probably really crave is healthy intimacy.

2) Is what I'm about to say or do right now going to get me closer to what I want?  If you honestly feel your next word or action has a shot at success, go ahead and try it. But if it isn't going to be constructive, then don't do it. It's that simple.

When Ted told Anne she could be more supportive and less scolding, it wasn't hard to imagine any number of juicy responses she might have shot back, like "I'll reward you when there's something to reward" or "can't you be a man and not base your actions on my approval?" Such zingers would have been fair, given the way Ted was behaving.

But what Anne wanted was a thoughtful partner, so instead of picking a fight, she dared to take yes for an answer, accepting  his suggestion even though it wasn't delivered as graciously as she had wished.

You might say that cultivating second consciousness means learning to act in your own best interest. Or you might simply call it learning to love like a grown-up.

Comments

[Amy]

Terry, I am working very hard to stand my ground with love and respect. My husband is not mutually involved in creating a healthy relationship. In fact, I am struggling very hard with handling his shame. He is so filled with shame that he does not make himself available and I am assuming that is because I am pushing buttons with my actions and words. Is there any words of advice, or encouragement for that matter, that you could give to help me push through this wall of shame? I know that dropping his guard will not do him any good as far as relating goes, he has no effective protection, but this shame seems to be enabling him to NOT BE ACCOUNTABLE. To me or our children. Please help.
Thank you, Amy