Dear Amy -
When you speak of "handling" your husband's guilt and shame, you are describing what you imagine is going on inside of him. You're better off staying focused on what's going on (or not going on) between you.
How is he "unavailable" to you and the kids? Is he physically not around or around but utterly self-preoccupied or even there in body but walled-off emotionally? Sit down and think about the specific behaviors that you'd like from him -- break it down for him. And here's the ten thousand dollar question -- ask yourself if there's anything you could do differently to help him be more attached and accountable.
If that still gets you nowhere, your next step would have to be seeking professional help because if he doesn't respond to your reasonable requests and humble offer to help him, you've got a situation on your hands that is too tough to handle on your own.
Best regards - Terry.
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