Married Americans: The New Minority

By Terry Real

WHY MOST MARITAL THERAPY AND SELF-HELP ADVICE MISSES THE BOAT

For close to fifty years one of the few stable facts about family life has been the appalling state of marriage. Forty to fifty percent of all marriages fail. Of the fifty to sixty couples left standing, how many stay together because they are truly happy, as opposed to reasons like finances, children, religion or plain fatigue?

Conservatively, one out of three "intact" marriages aren't very gratifying. What does that tell us? That if, as a man or a woman, you simply do what "comes naturally," the dead-on odds are that you will be miserable.

Even the latest census data tells us that married Americans are now "the new minority." We've become so used to the chronic dysfunction of marriage that we don't seem all that alarmed. I'd like you to think for a moment about how you would feel if this were your children's school, or a government program, or your own business that was running at a forty to fifty percent failure rate. I doubt as a society we'd be so complacent.

Why is it that so many people -- people who are successful professionals, good friends and neighbors, great parents -- fail so miserably at the one thing that matters most: love? What has gone wrong? I believe that the reason why so much marital therapy and self-help advice misses the boat is that there is a big elephant in the middle of the room that no one is naming. That elephant is nothing less than the institution of marriage itself -- as we've known it. The nature of marriage is undergoing a sea-change, a transformation that will be all too the good -- so long as we survive it.

The problem is that fundamental changes in the nature of marriage are moving faster than we are; we've been slow to adapt, or rather most of what we've learned about marriage, indeed about love, is obsolete. Whether we want to admit it or not, we are no longer in our parents' and grandparents' marriage. We need to understand our new marriages, and learn how to make them thrive, or face the probability that we won't be nearly as happy in them as we hope to be.

NEXT BLOG -- MONDAY 10/29: "20th Century vs. 21st Century Marriage." You are invited to comment or feedback on this entry.

Comments

[Jean]

Dr. Real,

I've read your book I don't want to talk about it and become your fan. I appreciate your insights, which helped me to get some peace and comfort.

I read it because I was trying to understand my newly broken up boyfriend. He is definitely one of the depressed men with emotionally abusive childhood, being controlled, judged, neglected by parents, and discriminated by UK society.

What he did was he went to start all sorts of spiritual explorations / social services, where he felt loved and accepted. I think that was his self-medication (I am learning from your book to analyze). Of course this does not give him skills to be a good lover -- he cannot open up, compromise and commit to me. Every time I complain, he used our spiritual path differences to defend himself.

I can see it's not healthy for him, but since spirituality/social services are good things, not like alcohol, drugs, how can I help him to realize those are not enough if he wants a healthy relationship?

Another question, if he does not realize he needs to change by himself, nothing good will happen to him? Is there anything that I, as a friend, can do? I really care for him even though he broke my heart. Basically he broke up with me and after asking for my "permission", hooked up with another one because she falls into his model of "share the same value". I don't have many years marriage or kids to leverage him, like the typical cases in your book. But I am sure we love and care for each other deeply. I am very sad/desperate about my powerlessness.

I appreciate your response. Thanks.

Jean

[Terry Real]

TERRY'S RESPONSE TO JOHN'S COMMENT: Dear John, You speak for a lot of guys -- let me tell ya. Yes you can call my office and arrange for a brief conference call. I am happy to do that: 617-763-7797. Beyond that, any therapy that consists of just one partner listening to the other one complain is no therapy I'm interested in. Good therapy requires balance. Three years is a long time to be out of the house. Maybe its time for you to sit and ask yourself what you want out the marriage -- if anything. And, if you do want something out of it, determine what changes you'd be willing to make to get that. Give us a call. Take care, Terry

[John]

My wife and I have both purchased your CD's on marriage. I guess that says a lot about sharing. I have had an affair. Eight years later I received emails and had responsed to the emails. My wife asked me to move out which I did. As we were seperated, though not formally I had another affair. We have been to Jungian, Alter, etc. therapists for many years. My wife views any contact with any woman in the workplace as a threat now which I can actually understand. After all of this time, I have been out of the house for three years, I am getting resigned to the fact that maybe we are not a go.

My wife wants to attend one of your seminars. I am a little therapied out. We attended an OnSite program in December 2006 as well. It lasted for a few weeks after we got back home.

I have listened to your CD's and all of the therapists and I am struck by how the focus almost always is the man understanding the woman.

I have two questions. 1) Is there a conference call available to review in much more detail our situation? And 2) Is there a way to review a "meeting in the middle" process verses me having to hear all about her stuff which at this point I am pretty much turned off to?

Thank you.
John

[Terry Real]

Kurt, thank you for sharing. I'm sorry to learn about your difficulties. We now have therapists trained in my method of Relational Life Therapy all over the U.S. Please visit our website to find someone near you who can help you and your partner. www.realrelational.com. Best of luck to you both, and please don't hesitate to contact us if we can help.

[Kurt]

A couple close to myself and my wife went through your course, both in person with you and also in the workshop environment. They were in bad shape. I actually was helping them individually as well as jointly from a 12-step standpoint.

In three months, the roles have reversed. They have brought the tools that your "program" provided to us.

We are in rough shape ironically. I am hopeful and will keep you posted, literally.