Real Advice

Cupid is Calling -- Are You Intimacy-Ready?

This is Part 1 of a series on Winning Strategies to Rekindle Your Love adapted from the bestselling book The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real

 

Valentine’s Day has arrived. This annual holiday dedicated to romantic love has men and women white knuckling it all the way to the bedroom. You might be thinking, “Was it this hard for Guinevere and Lancelot or Romeo and Juliet? Give me a break!”

 

Well, you’re right about that. Like all great lovers, these couples moved on impulse, straight from the heart with all reason swept aside by their passions. But then again, Guinevere and Lancelot were adulterers, and Romeo and Juliet died.

 

Men don’t want to work all that hard at romance, and women still think that an ideal lover “would just know” what she wants. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve heard say over the years, “If I have to tell him, it doesn’t count.” You’ve got to ask yourself, how well is waiting for spontaneity working for you?

 

Of the countless people I’ve listened to in my practice and in workshops, only a tiny percentage proactively shape their relationships. Most people – of either sex – do not do the work of sitting down, clearly identifying their relational wants and needs, figuring out how to best ask for them, going after them, and then – if the first attempt fails – regrouping, rethinking, and trying again.

 

Unfortunately, what both sexes seem to do equally (and remarkably well) is complain.

 

How to Clear the Path to Passion

 

1. Shift from Complaint to Request

 

You might think that after the age of personal empowerment swept aside the traditional notion of acquiescence, people would have learned how to simply identify their desires and assert them. But you’d be wrong.

 

Instead of asserting themselves, both men and women seem to subscribe to the truly nutty idea than an effective strategy for getting more of what you want from your partner is to complain about not getting it after the fact. This is the worst behavior-modification program. It’s like trying to train a dog to do a new trick, but shocking him each time his movements don’t match your requirements instead of showing him how to do it or by rewarding him when he gets it right. The result is a profoundly confused, frustrated, and unmotivated dog. He quickly learns that the best thing for him to do is to lie still and lay low — a strategy adopted by a fair amount of men.

 

Complaining is such an utterly contorted way of trying to get what you want that it is almost perverse. Complaint is double negative thinking. Instead of saying, “I’d be really happy if I could have more of this positive thing,” you try to get it by saying, “I would have been happy if only you hadn’t done that negative thing.”

 

When you use language like that, you box your partner in, leaving them no adequate way to respond. He or she could apologize, but while an apology might be a good first step, you’re still not going to get what you really want because you haven’t asked for it!

 

The bottom line is that complaining masquerades as information, but it’s actually nothing more than unbridled self-expression.  Instead of focusing on what your partner has done wrong, discipline yourself – and it does take discipline --  to focus on what he could do now or later that would be right.

 

2. Get Comfortable with Asking for What You Want

 

Why does it feel so uncomfortable to ask for what you want? The answer to this question is critically important to understand – especially for women. As crazy as it might seem, complaining, arguing and even getting downright nasty actually feel safer to most of us than simply making a direct request. And not without reason! In fact there is not one, but three reasons why you may be squeamish about making requests:

• You must own the right to have wants and needs
• You risk possible disappointment or rejection
• You risk shaking up your relationship

This can be difficult for both women and men who, despite years of growth and enormous changes in our society, still feel the influence their traditional upbringing. Just as the essence of traditional masculinity is invulnerability, the essence of traditional femininity is selfless service to others. In other words, owning the right to have wants and needs is very scary for women, while risking the vulnerability of rejection is frightening to men. And, even though the relationship isn’t perfect, both are terrified of shaking things up – you never know what you’re going to get!

Here’s the paradox. When you complain about not getting what you want, you might look like you’re owning your wants and needs or like you’re being vulnerable, but actually you’re not. Complaining in your relationship is a form of pseudo-pursuit. If you listen to the content of your complaint, it sounds like you’re trying to connect, but in truth solution is rarely what’s on your mind. Instead, what’s really going on is an attempt to be right or to control using unbridled self-expression or even retaliation. That’s what’s really on your mind.

You cannot rekindle intimacy and create an extraordinary relationship unless you are willing to identify what it is that you want and pursue it. Yes, this does take a risk. We are afraid of rocking the boat because experience has shown us that asserting our wants and needs (through complaint) hasn’t worked, and so we “compromise.”

This common outcome woefully sells short both you and your partner. Your lack of previous success does not stem from deeply wired-in limitations in either of you, rather from your lack of skill because, as you’ve painfully learned, it isn’t enough to simply complain. You must assert yourself in a way that will work.

Rule: You have no right to complain about not getting what you never asked for.

NEXT WEEK:  How to ask for what you want. Visit the REAL Advice blog on Tues, 2/17 for Part 2.

CHANGE AND THE DREAM: Teaching Our Kids About Non-Violent Living

By Terry Real

 

This week we celebrate Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and his commitment to non-violent social change and the peaceful transition of power that focuses on a man who, in many ways, embodies Dr. King's vision. Wouldn’t it be remarkable if we carried those principles to the deepest layers of our community at work, at home, in the schoolyard?

 

Let’s talk about bullying. One could say that the scourge of segregation was a national policy of bullying; the institutionalized grandiosity of one group asserting dominance over another simply because it could. Certainly because of the heroic work of Dr. King and the leaders of the Civil Rights Movement, millions of every day citizens made the decision to stand up against the Jim Crow bully, and in the span of one generation, while there are many more miles to go, we are witnessing a much more healthy relationship between the races.

 

In my practice as a marriage and family therapist, we talk about “Relational Living” which is defined as living in full respect for your self by maintaining healthy self-esteem and boundaries and in healthy relationship to and with others. It’s about never dropping below the lines of respect in word or deed. At its core, relational living is non-violent living. That means that you make a commitment to not be disrespectful to any other human being and not to be on the receiving end of disrespectful behavior.

 

Much has been made about achieving full respect in a marriage, and we coach corporations about how to create full-respect workplaces, but it is just as critical to pass this principle on to our children.

 

"Give them something great to imitate."

 

Children learn what they live. They are much more impacted by seeing what we do than by what we say, so the best way to pass on this concept of non-violent full-respect living is to live it in our families. We demonstrate this importance by standing up to mistreating, grandiose behavior whenever we see it. Grandiosity is a favor to no one, least of all to the bully.

 

If as a nation we are truly dedicated to Dr. King’s Dream, then we are interested in arming all of our kids against the urge to be retaliatory or bullying to others and also to stand up to bullying behavior when they are on the receiving end of it or witnessing it. Certainly any discussion of raising healthy relational kids is a loaded topic, so let’s start with getting up to zero, what doctors call “first do no harm.” Simply stated, we must commit to have little to no tolerance for kids mistreating other kids.

 

Too many of the stories that men told me for the book I Don’t Want to Talk About It exposed how the secret code of masculinity has been enforced on men through peers and by peers as a mechanism of torture. Looking back, we now recognize as child abuse that which we used to call “good old fashioned discipline.” Wouldn’t it be nice if fifty years from now we view the stuff called “boys being boys” as intolerable bullying behavior?

 

Critics may consider this mollycoddling, but the ramifications of bullying are no trifle. The long-term, deep negative effects of appeased bullying are too obvious: Columbine, teen suicide, self-mutilation, addiction, and eventually spousal abuse or generally corrupt behavior. There can be no free pass to the bully. That said, the idea that it’s good for kids to stand up to bullies has to be intelligently moderated. Of course it is good to teach our kids to stand up to bullies, if they are ones you can successfully stand up to.  But, if the bully is three years older or three times bigger, or if it’s a mean girl with an organized clique, to tell a child to pull himself or herself up by the bootstraps can be cruel. It’s a set up for failure.

 

Think about it, nine out of ten bullies train on kids in situations in which they are pretty safe from any real threat of retaliation because essentially, bullies are cowards. It is incumbent upon parents, teachers and other adults to be aware of the condition and notice when bullied kids are in over their heads. The idea that any kid is supposed to stand up to kids older, bigger, stronger or to one who has the alliance of a group or gang is like saying if you get raped you shouldn’t have been wearing that short skirt.

 

Too often we blame the victim and protect the perpetrator. We have set up a culture where weakness is punished and not protected. When we set up a condition where it is not permitted to be vulnerable, we set up consequences not only for the victim but for the bystanders as well. Just as Dr. King inspired a cultural shift to stand against segregation and prejudice, we need to shift the cultural thinking where bystanders are empowered to put their foot down and say bullying is not tolerated.

 

In full-respect living, there is no excuse for abuse. In contrast, our ancient patriarchal system has a fair amount of institutionalized cruelty. It’s a Wild West show. It’s the law of the jungle. Let them duke it out. Let kids torture each other, and let the best man (or meanest girl) win.

 

The bottom line is that bullying is violent – even the kind where a kid is systematically ostracized is a form of psychological violence. There is no socially redeeming value in asking the weak to stand without back up to the strong. There is no socially redeeming value in refusing to help or to turn a blind eye when help is needed.

 

It is in everyone’s interest — the victim, the bully, and the bystander — to create a safe environment in which respect for one another is not just a voluntary matter but a baseline norm that we insist upon.

The Gift That Pays Dividends in this Economic Recession

By Terry Real

The talk of the town is the stock market “correction”, and boy what a correction it has been. But at the risk of sounding too “granola”, I do think this recession offers an opportunity for a correction of our whole culture.

The galloping, almost addictive, materialism of the 80s and 90s and the conspicuous consumption that it championed has been hobbled. In my own household – and I’m sure this is echoed across America – instead of pining over glossy brochures of new cars and exotic destinations, our conversations have changed.

“I don’t think we need a new car.”  Or, “I don’t think we’re going to make it to an expensive vacation this year.”

Our behaviors have changed, too. Instead of going to a fancy restaurant, we decide to just do pizza and a movie. Instead of a catered party, we host a pot-luck supper.

The somewhat surprising news is that despite what the media is proclaiming as sacrifices and “doing without”, we’re still happy. And I have to confess, I feel a kind of relief. We don’t have to worry about keeping up with the Jones’, because the Jones’ are doing just as bad as we are.

As a man, it feels wonderful to be able to say “No” to my wife and have her say, “O.K.”  As a family, and also within our circle of friends, we are finding quieter pleasures that are less dependent on the next shiny new thing.

We are becoming more grounded in one another.

So here’s what I’d like to invite my readers to do during this economic recession. I’d like for you to literally add onto your task list the gift of yourself.

For example, you might give your thirteen year old the gift of twenty hours of homework help. Make up a little ticket book with twenty stubs worth one hour each. What kids have always craved and needed from us is time together.

Instead of a new ring, you might give your wife a photo album of snapshots that you have collected and edited. Let’s just see if she can fight back the tears of joy over that one!

You might give the gift of spending time as a family working together at a homeless shelter or preparing meals for the less fortunate. The need is great throughout the year, not just during the holidays.

Consider the gift of cutting back on your alcohol consumption by 50%. You’ll save money and be more present emotionally to your family.

Give your spouse the commitment to lose twenty pounds and the promise to spend six months at the gym. You’ll be giving more years together as a healthy couple, and you’ll improve your sex life!

In these tightened times, let’s use being more responsible financially to be more generous emotionally. It’s a gift with real dividends – the kind that have more spendable market value.

Frank Finds His Words: A second chance at selfhood & relationships

By Carol Smaldino, CSW

This week's guest blogger, Carol Smaldino, has been a marriage and family therapist in Port Washington, NY for more than 20 years. She specializes in troubled youth and persons with ADHD. You can learn more about Carol at www.growingreal.com.

In this piece, Carol relates a story of how she, as a therapist, coached a young client who was walled-off and one-down in shame to learn how to find his center in self esteem. You can learn more about this Relational Life solution by downloading The Relationship Grid and by reading Terry Real's blog posting on the subject in the REAL Advice archives.

I met Frank shortly after his first psychiatric hospitalization.  He was 20 and home on college break.  One evening he declared he needed fifty wives, and without warning, he burst into the street and was almost hit by an oncoming car.

Frank walked into my office robotic, insisting without emotion that he was fine, he just had an “off” moment and was ready to return to school.   I sensed fatigue in him; he agreed.

He said, “Man do I feel pressured.”  Moments after his father came for him, he blamed me for “making him” feel bad by insisting he was pressured.  I was lying, and I was boring.  He didn’t need therapy anyway.

Family therapy seemed the only possibility.   I knew I needed leverage from the parents, and little more.  I knew Frank was on edge and that he could freak out again.  The intensity of my focus as a therapist was clearly more on him at first.

Frank was on psychiatric meds for mood stabilization but both his psychiatrist and psychologist thought of him as an “enigma”.  I decided to reside temporarily in the land of not knowing with the hope that some essence of clarity would be revealed.

As my own concern for his immediate well being lessened, I began to notice the consuming “war of the parents”.  They seemed in competition for the prize of who knew best and who could blame the other for Frank’s illness.

And yes, this had always been the case.  Frank, born with a shy temperament, had turned inward to protect himself from the emotional onslaught.  He avoided confrontation, denied his own preferences, and spoke little.  He went through school with few even superficial friendships. He passed tests but walked between the raindrops of academic requirements.

Since Frank was hiding in his inner emotional basement, he seemed without words or any sense of safety about expressing his feelings or confusion.  I didn’t want to badger him with questions or expectations.  So, I started interrupting either parent when he/she intrusively violated Frank’s boundary by—for example—bringing up a touchy subject without asking his permission.

Using this approach, of suggesting where the boundaries are, Frank seemed to cautiously experience a modicum of safety. He began saying he didn’t know this or that, and he even got angry in response to a too strong expectation from his mother.

As I tentatively guided Frank, he began talking on his own terms, telling me if I was right or wrong.  He liked the idea that his hiding had made real sense under the circumstances.  It became humanizing for all of us as we refrained from isolating Frank as the sick one among us.

Frank’s parents wonderfully said they wanted to stop using Frank as a ping pong ball and as a distraction from their own issues.  They began couples therapy and told Frank of their intentions.

Frank returned to college.  He began counseling with someone near the campus with whom we all spoke and who seemed to us all as a trustworthy person.

Words had once been instruments of damage for Frank.  He had begun to define himself, and to find that his words could belong to him.

TIPS & TOOLS: The Relationship Grid

By Terry Real

You are invited to view or download a copy of The Relationship Grid at this link. You can also read detailed examples of Terry using The Relationship Grid with his clients in the book The New Rules of Marriage which is now available in paperback and for sale at this link.

Several years ago, I developed a tool for both mental health professionals and the general public that gives an accurate snapshot of where you are and where you need to go at any given moment. It is an easy way to help you practice coming to center -- down from grandiosity or up from shame -- and likewise either pull yourself in from being boundaryless or open up from being walled off.

With the grid in mind, you can do a "mental freeze" and ask yourself, “Where am I, and where do I need to go?” To use the grid, you first check your self-esteem: Do you feel deflated and shame-filled, or do you feel inflated and grandiose?

Next, you check your boundaries, starting first with your containing boundary:  “Am I uncontained and letting too much out, or walled-off and letting nothing out?” Then check the protective part of your boundary:  “Am I too porous or not open enough?”

It is important not to over think your position when using the Relationship Grid.  Simply place yourself in the appropriate quadrant. The beauty of it is that once you know where you are, the Grid will instantly and unfailingly tell you where you need to go in order to come to center.

For example, if you are boundaryless and one-down, chances are that your predominant need is for more protection and solidity. Close your eyes or look down at the floor and in your mind’s eye, see the protective part of your boundary grow stronger; feel how it shields you. Let yourself relax within this circle of protection. You don’t have to steel yourself against emotional upset or attack because your boundary will do that for you.

Conversely, if you are boundaryless and one-up, and If you’re feeling like a big, angry victim, stop it!  Chances are that your predominant weakness will be containment. Strengthen the inside of the boundary. Feel it pressing in against you, like a hand on your stomach, sucking it in, reining you in. Do not offend from the victim position. It’s not warranted, it’s not attractive, and it’s not good for you.  Use the Grid to help you come down into same-as, and let your boundary protect you from the stimulus you got yourself so upset about. Wait until you’re less reactive before thinking honestly and fairly, “Is there anything to this, or am I just ready to let it fly? Am I battling a caricature instead of seeing the life-sized issue in front of me?”

On the opposite side of the chart, there are those who react by being walled off. If you are walled off and one-down, you feel de-energized and disillusioned. If you’re like a lot of people who adopt a walled-off, one-down position, you’re often passive. Perhaps you’re depressed or just resigned to what you’ve decided is your fate. You don’t want contact, or you don’t know how to make contact. You have a sense of failure before even beginning. It’s too difficult, too overwhelming, or just too ungratifying. You’d rather be left alone to comfort yourself as best you can with your usual distractions.  Perhaps you’re addicted to or dependent on some substance, process, or person outside of your primary relationship.

You must have courage to rouse yourself from limbo. The combination of shame and walls is hard to punch through. You have to make yourself start moving again, make yourself reengage. Your lethargy is like that horrible feeling of getting up in the morning when it’s still dark and making yourself go to the gym to work out. But that’s all it is. Your resistance is no more substantial and no more difficult to conquer than that. You fear commitment – to a person, to work, or ambition, or everything. You fear you will fail. Far and away the most effective remedy for such fear is simple action and repetition. Don’t stall.

For someone in this position, “trying,” “understanding,” or “working on things” may be little more than sophisticated procrastination.

On the other hand, if you are walled off and one-up, you have to ask yourself, “What are you being so high and mighty about?” “Who are you kidding?” I want you to really see the way you walk around as if whomever you’re with isn’t good enough, isn’t quite worth your while. I want you to let in just how mean you are being. Yes, overtly shaming of others and mean.

Simply put, lose the attitude and connect with your partner (or child or parent or co-worker).  Bring yourself down from your superiority and out from behind those walls. Come back into engagement. You were dying in there inside your empty fortress.

Coming to Center

Like many people, you may find that you reside mostly in one quadrant of the grid. You may also realize that in a former relationship your behavior was in another quadrant. Or you may feel that you skip around quite a bit from day to day, or even from minute to minute.

Here’s the deal on using the grid: Keep it simple.

If you are in a shame state, bring yourself up. If you’re being grandiose, bring yourself down. If you are boundaryless, pause and reset your boundary. If you are walled off, take a deep breathe and get back into engagement.

That said, this does take practice. It also takes courage to look at yourself, recognize where you are and will yourself back to center. Like a beginner at anything, at first you will find this internal work stilted, arduous and largely ineffective. Press on! Wait until the first time someone says something provocative to you and you feel that whoosh against your psychological boundary and have it bounce off. Or the first time you feel a hot wave of shame, and rather than feeling rotten for hours and hours about it, you can breathe your way back into center in a matter of a few minutes.

I look forward to your excitement the first time you don’t just intellectually understand but have the palpable experience that this technique really does work – that you can directly and powerfully impact your own state of mind.